Since my last post in February (it's been waaaaay longer than I thought.) We've had lots going on.
March- I went off the Clomid because my Gyno wasn't monitoring me like he should have and I started getting ovarian pain (time for new gyno!)
April- I didn't have a period and got SUPER excited. I was sure I was pregnant, but we weren't. It was a pretty crappy rest of the month.
May- We finally went to an Endo/ Infertility Specialist, Dr. Patel. I put off seeing a specialist for awhile, because I think I just didn't want to accept that I needed help. I didn't want to admit that I couldn't get pregnant on my own (with the help of my Mister of course.)
May/ June- The Mister and I went through a TON of tests. Blood work, HSG, Semen Analysis & Ultra Sounds. As much as I dreaded the HSG (which wasn't nearly as bad as I had read it was,) the Mister HATED his Semen Analysis much much more. He was so nervous the entire 2 hour drive there and the entire day before. He went in and had "The Doug" as we call him, give him directions. He marched in his designated room and gave his sample and then he left his sample with "The Doug." He had his hand on the door to freedom when "The Doug" stopped him and gave him a packet of forms to fill out. The Mister said it was extremely awkward (maybe a little shameful) to sit there and fill out paperwork after giving his sample. lol. Just a few weeks ago, I had my HSG done and during the picture taking my Doc. determined my tubes are open (THANK GOODNESS) but that I have a heart shaped uterus.
Now we are waiting for the 30th when we will sit down with Dr. Patel and go over all of our test results and make our plan.
Some days I have all the hope in the world, and other days there is absolutely ZERO. I think sometimes it's easier to have no hope. There is less pain, I'm not setting myself up for more disappointment. Back in April, when I didn't have my period, it took me 2 weeks to sum up the courage to take a pregnancy test. NEGATIVE, the dreaded 1 pink line. I was seriously heartbroken. I think that has been my lowest point so far. The following months haven't been a whole lot better. Everywhere I turn now someone I know is announcing their new pregnancy. Seriously?! While I am very happy for my friends and family members, it is kinda like a hot stick of reminder poking me in the heart. Digging in a little deeper with each announcement as I sink deeper and deeper into my little hole. But throughout these past few hopeless months one thing I've come to realize is even though I have no control over my infertility or of life's timing, I can have control of Hope. There is Hope, there is always Hope.
Miss Manda, that was a beautiful post. I'm so sorry you are struggling with this. I'm sorry for the pain that you have to endure each day,because you want this more than anything else in the world. I have nothing to say to you to make you feel better, because obviously nothing really can. Please know that you have a friend in me. I would love to hang out and pal around with you anytime. Each day that passes is another day closer to your goal. You just don't know when that day will be. You will be one amazing mother someday because of the faith that you have displayed and the fact that you will cherish what you have sooooo much more than those that take it for granted. For now enjoy every moment of alone time that you have with your husband, establishing a relationship that most of us will truly envy. And please, friendship can make a world of difference...so stop by or call me anytime...even if it's for a walk in the evening or morning or a soda. I'm always good to go.
ReplyDeleteRachel you are such a peach. Thank you for being so loving and supportive, and thank you for your friendship. I am a very big homebody, but I am really trying to break out of that habit. :-)
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